Being a Secular Parent

When I was a child my schoolmates and I would often play a game of possibilities. This game had no formal name, but if it did it would probably be "What if." The game would be played out something like this: I would ask a mate "What if you could fly." They then would contemplate the things that could be accomplished given the parameters. Well, being raised in the church I was often asked "What if your son was gay." As if that was the worst possible affliction a child could have. This cruel line of questioning was abundant among the believing, and at the time I didn't second guess its absolutely cruel nature. What I find amusing now, is people ask the same sort of question to me with the presumption of my atheism. The wording of the question is changed however the message is the same. "What if your son grows up to be a christian," again as if this is the worst conceivable possible life choice my son could make. This question has been posed by Christians and atheists alike and most of them with children themselves. I will tell you why I have and always will hate this line of questioning.

The question assumes that I have some sort of choice over the matter, or at the very least assumes that I think I have a choice in my sons life's decisions. I understand that the parent has a role in shaping the mind and ethics of their children, but to imply that I may simply wish my child into my line of reason is missing the point. Richard Dawkins touches on this point many times in his books and his lectures and I tend to agree with it. The point is that religious children who are obviously too young to form an opinion on anything, none-the-less form an opinion on theology, often get labeled with the religion of the parents. When I was a child I was a baptist whether I wanted to be or not, simply because that was the church my mother happened to attend. The same could be said for my cousins who were labeled Catholics when they were still young. I do not wish this for my son, or for any child for that matter, and I think doing so certainly narrows the mind of a young child. When you have grown up in the church and have been labeled a "baptist" since you could remember you don't even think to question it, its the only world you know. Not being a baptist, to me, would have been absurd. Furthermore, questioning anything that contradicted the beliefs of my religion was absurd. And as we have it the complete closing of the mind was accomplished.

I do not wish form of child abuse on my son. My son is not an atheist or an agnostic. He is not a republican, or a democrat. My son is simply a child. My only wish for him is that when he does make up his mind on very important things like religion that he arrives at his decision rationally. If he decides to be an evangelist, a Marxist, a republican, or an atheist I want him to do so in a lucid, open-minded way. At the forefront of his decision making process I want him to know that whatever it is he chooses I will not treat him differently, and that I will always love him even though I may not support his ideology. I do not want the fear of my disapproval to be even a minute factor in any of his ethical decision making. The only time I will intervene is when I feel that he is a danger to himself or others with his decisions.

Being a parent is very difficult. It is a constant learning process for both the child and the parent. When I contemplated being a parent I would often think of the lessons I would instill into my children. So far this little bundle has taught me more about life than anything, or anyone. Being an atheist, or at the least a secular parent, makes it even the more difficult. I am under strict orders from my wife (who is also an atheist) to not use her or my child's name or pictures of them in this blog for the fear of social rejection. As the title suggests we live in the buckle of the bible belt. Her fear is not completely without merit however, there is a real rejection of atheistic parenting here. It is as if the faithful envisions the secular parent teaching their children to sacrifice goats (ironically enough this exaggerated misconception of atheists has it roots in the bible), or that Satan isn't that bad. Being in the backbone of this very religious part of the country makes it even harder to raise a child without religion.

What if my child turns out to be a christian? I will tell him why I disagree with his decision, however I will still love and support him. Deciding to be religious will not remove my love, nor will it shake the foundation of love I have. He will continue to be the most precious thing I ever had a hand in making. He will always be my little dude.